One Step Forward
by wedgetail
Summary: *Post Infinity War* One sorrow doesn't diminish another. Tony and Steve finally talk. Can be read as a follow up to my oneshot 'Two Minutes Past Infinity'


A week after Tony returned from Titan, he lingered in Wakanda, where Nebula had taken the Milano in hope of reuniting with the remaining Guardians. He had a score of things to attend to in the States of course, but he couldn't bring himself to return home. Tony was self-aware enough to recognise this as cowardice, but it was one thing to know intellectually, it was another to see with your own eyes the cost of your failure.

So he drifted through the wrecked towers of Wakanda, hungry for company, yet flinching away whenever he found it.

This morning Thor and Shuri had tried to engage him in conversation; he fled them within minutes and abandoned the city entirely. But the solitude he longed for amid the scorched grasslands of Wakanda's outskirts and twisted debris of alien machinery eluded him. A pencil in hand and a sketchbook on his lap, Steve sat propped against a lone tree that had somehow survived the turmoil around it.

Tony turned to leave, but Steve had already spotted him.

'Don't go,' Steve called out.

Tony made a face, but trudged over to Steve. 'Another sketch of Bucky?'

Steve set down his pencil, then shut his sketchbook. 'No, it's… forget it actually,' he said. 'I just wanted to say. I heard you were going to call yourself, just never got the chance. I appreciate that, after what happened between us.'

'Better you than the purple ogre,' Tony replied. He tried to sound casual, but he couldn't quite meet Steve's eyes. 'Old grudges hardly matter now anyway.'

'I don't think that's true. One sorrow doesn't diminish another.'

Tony shook his head. 'None of it matters. Just look at the bigger picture and…'

'Pepper didn't make it, did she?' When Tony failed to reply, Steve sighed. 'I thought that might've been the case when you didn't rush back to New York. I'm sorry, Tony.'

'Why are you still here?'

Steve's mouth twitched with amusement and in that small gesture, Tony understood that they knew each other too well. Steve hadn't been fooled by Tony's attempt to divert the conversation and that minute twitch had let Tony know that Steve saw through Tony as well as Pepper ever could. But Steve was also Steve and he made it a habit to offer kindness where he could, even if it exposed his own vulnerability.

'Where would I go?' he said. 'I'm still a renegade. And what home do I have to return to? The last of what I'd ever called home went with Bucky. And what few people I'd call friends who are still alive remain here.'

'I…' Tony pursed his lips. 'I'm afraid I can't offer you condolences for Barnes.'

'See what I mean about old sorrows? But I don't expect you to. I doubt you're even capable of it.'

'What the hell does that mean?'

Steve paused for a moment, then seemed to resolve something within himself. 'That would require some measure of forgiveness on your part.'

'For fuck sake, Steve. Half the universe is gone and you still have a stick shoved up your arse.'

'Howard was a friend, but he wasn't —'

'Don't bring my father into this!' Tony itched to throw something at Steve, but there was nothing at hand, so he settled for kicking some rubble Thanos' army had left behind.

'I can only guess what happened between you two,' Steve said softly, 'but his death broke something in you. That was a wonderful, stupendously expensive machine you put together to make yourself feel better about it. But you ignored the deeper problem — you are incapable of forgiving yourself. And because you can't forgive yourself, you can't forgive anyone else either.'

'If my goddamn suit wasn't mangled, I'd punch in that perfect face of yours right now,' Tony muttered, turning to head back to the city.

Steve leapt up and closed the distance between them before Tony made two steps. He grabbed Tony by the shoulder and with a hand as forgiving as cast iron, wrenched Tony around so they stood eye-to-eye.

'I'm not perfect and you know that,' Steve said. 'No one is perfect, Tony. You made a mistake with Ultron. I made a mistake in not telling what I know about your parents' deaths.'

'You chose Barnes over me.'

Tony's words stilled them both and momentarily, he wondered if Steve was about to burst out laughing. Tony sounded like a spoiled child. Frankly, he felt like a child. Steve had always possessed an infuriating ability to make him feel infantile.

'Buck was there when no one else was, I wanted to be there for him in turn. It doesn't mean I didn't value our friendship.'

'You can't expect me to forget what he did.'

This time Steve did laugh, though it was a dry and dark sound. 'And again, we're at an impasse,' he said, then sighed. 'He was doing so much better lately. If only you'd had a chance to talk properly, he would've told you how much he regretted his actions.'

'Well, can't do that now, can we?'

'No.'

With that one word, Tony felt something within shift. He stared at Steve for several seconds before he understood. It wasn't even what had been said, it was Steve's expression. Since Thanos, Tony had seen this very expression every time he glanced at a mirror.

Grief — for the people now gone, but also for all the futures that died with them. For Tony, that had been Pepper. After years of lost time, the wedding had finally been set and he had even permitted himself to entertain the idea of having children, which had seemed a preposterous notion for so much of his life.

And for Steve, that had been Barnes.

'I'm sorry,' Tony stammered. 'His name evokes no pleasant memories for me, but he meant a great deal to you. A good friend should respect that.'

'Thank you,' Steve replied after a moment.

Silence fell between them. Had Thor been there, he would've drawn them into a stifling embrace, but neither Tony nor Steve were in the habit of initiating a hug. Yet the handshake didn't feel right of the occasion either. Tony started, unable to tolerate the awkwardness a second longer, but Steve was quicker to the mark.

'If you like, I can come back to the States with you,' he said. 'I don't think anyone will spare much time looking for me right now. It won't be the same without Pepper around of course, but you won't be alone. No one should be alone right now.'

'It's not just Pepper. There's Peter too,' Tony answered and winced at how his voice thinned as he spoke.

'The kid from Queens?'

'He was on Titan with me. There were no parents around, so he lived with his aunt. I need to tell her what happened, but just the thought of it, I —'

'I'll come with you when you tell her,' Steve said quickly. 'Of course, I'll come with you.'


End file.
